dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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