the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
