I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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