I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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