Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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