even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
