How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
