She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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