He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
