I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
