I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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