is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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