Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
