My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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