Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
