So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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