Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
