Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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