Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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