Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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