I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
