I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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