help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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