I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
