omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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