Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
