I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
