My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
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Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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