:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
