Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I have aggressive nipples.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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