Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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