Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
