Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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