I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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