11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
