I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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