i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need water and some morals
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
