i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
