Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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