my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
