I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
