I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
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I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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