the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
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Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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