the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
