we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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