Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
