Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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