She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That accounts for only three of the penises
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
