Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
