meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
