im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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