dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
