The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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