At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
