I want you more than these girls want KFC
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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