ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
