that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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