listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
