my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
