Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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