I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
